To Those Nights

`Something like this I never would’ve expected to happen. This whole thing I never expected to happen. It’s the culmination of months of emotions that have been all over the fucking place. Moments of hope and joy and happiness, coupled with moments of despair, heartbreak, and depression. This summer has just been so much, perhaps too much to bear. From the beginning to the nearing end, my heart has been exposed in it’s weakness, my own logic and rationality weak and ineffective. What my heart desires, my self is not prepared to hold. What my mind knows is wrong, my heart thinks is right.
`Maybe it was just a short period of time, perhaps just a few nights. Maybe it all moved a little too fast. But in those nights, time was infinite. In those moments, every pain, every heartbreak, every worry faded into the light of day and the darkness of the night. With you, I felt something that I had not felt in a very long time. Actually, I simply just felt for the first time in a long time. A feeling of completeness and a pure joy unrivaled by anything else this world could have to offer at this point in my life. Yes, it might have just been one day and one night, but to know that those might never happen again, makes me wish we had never gone this far. Even if it seems like we haven’t gone anywhere at all, where we are now just might be one step beyond what we are ready for, one step beyond what we need at this point in our journey. It makes me wonder that perhaps we never should’ve met at all. If timing is everything, what’s the point of meeting someone at the least opportune time? Is it worth it at all to keep anything going if we know that it’s going to end soon anyways?  Wouldn’t it be better to just pretend nothing ever happened and be strangers again? But I would be a dick and completely selfish if I were to cut you out of my life. Plus I don’t think I could ever get myself to do it.
`To be honest, I’m fucking confused. I’ve never been good at taking any kind of signals and I tend to take the smallest things and blow them out of proportion. If everything was platonic before, where is the line drawn? Looking back, I cannot tell with certainty what was simply platonic and what possibly had a slight inkling of intention. I don’t know what to say and I don’t know how to act. I no longer know where to place you in my life. Again, we’ve barely scratched the surface of the chasms of our lives, present past and future, that we contain in our souls, but something about you makes me want to go deeper. Your dreams, your compassion, your desire to serve the Lord; they are all parts of you that I want as a part of me and my broken self. Yes, I’m sure you have plenty of red flags but so do I. Don’t we all? Regardless, again the question is what’s the point? You’re leaving and that’s not going to change whatsoever. While I’m stuck here to bask in whatever I have here in this city, you’ll be off pursuing your dreams and changing lives. Damn, now that’s something to be proud of. And what the fuck am I doing? Gentrifying the already segregated cities of America for the profit and the well being of capitalist, money-craving business people? Is that really what I’ve gotten myself into? Maybe, but for now all we know is that you’ll be changing lives while I continue to follow an unknown path of seemingly nothing.
`In those moments, you gave me a temporary joy, peace, and escape from the shit that has been happening in my life. In those moments you made me laugh, your smile utterly contagious. But, everything about you was just so…improbable for me to have. Perhaps I don’t deserve someone like you. All I know is this, what you know is what you know. What you’ve decided is what you’ve decided. In the end, those moments simply came at the most inconvenient, least logical time. Maybe one day, when we’re off doing our own things, making an impact wherever we are, we’ll meet again at a better time and we’ll start over and give us the chance that we never got.

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